Awful Mommy

Before all of you cover your mouths in horror and say "I can't believe she did that!" I am here to tell you that I have already given myself the "Worst Mommy of the Year Award"

I arrived home from school last Monday night and have basically slept, ate and cuddled with Chloe for a week. My brain is literally fried. I make no sense in conversations and am amazed that I am even able to type anything coherent right now. ( I will e-mail or write you all back soon, I'm playing catch up) I had not ventured out of the house until Friday.

I took Chloe to Target to search for some things for her new big girl room. It was a ridiculously hot day and I was trying to think of air conditioned activities. So we pull into the parking lot and I turn off the engine. I remembered that I need a F'in quarter for the cart ( ridiculous) so I am searching in my purse with no luck. I go to the back seat on the driver's side to look on the floor of the car. Chloe was still in her car seat and saw my keys laying on the seat and said "mommy, keys" so I gave her he keys. Yup...you know what's coming... I close the car door because I couldn't find a quarter and am walking around back to go the other side of the car and it sudden;y dawned on me..."oh s**t, sh has the keys and all the doors are shut"

Click.

She locked herself into the car. So here I am outside of the car, in the 90 degree heat ready to call 911 because I have no other way into the car and thinking she is going to pass out from heat stroke. I know, I know...idiot.

She's staring at me the whole time giggling because she loves playing with the car keys. Her thumb was next to the unlock button.

"Chloe, hit the button by your thumb honey" (does she know what her thumb is??)

Click. Lock button

"No baby, the other button."

Click. Rear window button

"The one by your thumb baby"

Click. Unlock.

"Oh thank god."

I ran around and opened up all the doors (yeah, makes no sense) and hugged her in the parking lot for about 3 minutes all the while she's clapping and saying "mall, mall"

Needless to say, she' not allowed to play with keys anymore and I need to be supervised until this baby pops out and I get my brain back.

Motivation

We had another museum assignment today. (shocker) This time we had to sign our name under one of three location choices and go to that museum to look a various aspects that could affect curriculum. We were prompted to pick a museum based on our previous experience there and (again) "how it made us feel".

After our "research" was complete our group sat around comparing notes and preparing our presentation. We had to tell everyone in the group what motivated us to choose this particular museum. Answers varied from "I was moved by (fill in the blank) art piece" or "I feel the most comfortable here" etc...as we were going around the table I anxiously watched as my turn drew nearer and I was panicking about what kind of insightful response I could offer.

My turn came.

"Erin, what motivated you to pick this museum out of the three choices?'

I thought to myself ...oh screw it, I'll just tell the truth.

"They sell ice cream."

Whoops!

We are in class from 8am until 10pm every night. We literally follow an eat, class, eat, class schedule. The conversations are continually controversial and abstract and force you to think in ways you never have before, needless to say I am exhausted. Part of the "experience" here is visiting as many museums as humanly possible in 16 days...I think we are on visit 7 in a week, sometimes packing in 3 in one day.

One of the more popular museums is very progressive with a lot of abstract sculptures and other art I don't even know how to categorize. On our last visit we were looking at one particular artist's work in which we had to walk around and tell the class how the art "makes us feel". (did I mention this was a touchy feely place?)

Anyway, we're in a group of about 40 people who are giving these profound intellectual responses that conjure up images of war, politics, sexuality, ect...and all I can think of is "I feel hungry and I have to pee..." hmm...maybe because I am exhausted and pregnant?

So I'm feeling pathetically disengaged from our tour and wanting to get out of there when we walk down to the last sculpture. It is a large concrete...I don't know, pyramid(??) with large, individual, cylinder charcoal black piles all around its base. As I walked up to it, in voice much louder than I intentioned I blurted out:

"Is that dog shit?"

Real progressive.

Homesick for...

Matt...

Footsteps on the stairs telling me it's ok to fall asleep
The smell of shaving cream after showers
Play by play Yankee updates
The perfect cup of coffee
Always bringing me back to reality
Endless laughter at his ridiculous jokes
Soft kisses and enveloping hugs


Chloe...

Shallow breaths and fluttering eyelashes while she sleeps
Extra bubbles in the tub when they disappear
Pretend phone calls on her princess phone
Clapping hands when we say "ice cream"
Butt wiggles when she runs
The smell of skin warmed by the sun

I am...

For one of our classes we were asked to write a "poem" using an I am from...pattern to talk about our past and present. (Did I mention that this is a very liberal touchy feely place???) Anyway, for those of you that know me really well, you know I don't like to draw attention to myself when it comes to anything personal. We have to read this in front of our class and I thought that if I could share this with a room full of strangers, I could share with the people I love.

I am from barefoot summers picking sun warmed strawberries and fresh corn from the yard.

I am from fragrant flowers reminding me of death.

I am from being given space to grow and discover.

I am from a liberal and a conservative, at odds with policy but united in marriage.

I am from educated role models, supporting, encouraging, nurturing and loving.

I am from abuse. Angry words and actions born of fear and hate.

I am from scars. Daily reminders of a time I could not control.

I am from the bottom of darkness providing a platform for discovery and rebirth.

I am from forgiveness, finding inner strength and a belief in myself.

I am from compassion, a belief in the goodness of people and second chances.

I am from music and art, expression and uniqueness.

I am from a man showing me passion, acceptance and unconditional love.

I am from laughter and family, spirituality and friendship.

I am from tiny chubby fingers exploring the curves of my face.

I am from amazement, experiencing the gift of a growing new life.